So to the Far East courtesy of those generous fellows at Withnail’s Poker School. An overnight flight to Hong Kong (Cattle class on Virgin Atlantic) resulted in two hours fitful sleep. Just as I joined the throng at the immigration queues, I asked someone about the connections to Macau. I was in the wrong queue. He directed me to the ferry desk where they took 200 Hong Kong dollars (£18) off me and my baggage details. Within the hour, I was on the efficient turbo jet ferry to the Vegas of the East. And your bags can be transferred straight through. An excellent arrangement.

Upon disembarkation in Macau, the few on my boat scrambled for the exits and the nearest casinos. But for me, not the cheap clip joints I usually patronize on poker trips. No sir, I'm heading for the most expensive joint in town. They held the Pokerstars APPT in the Lisbao Grand. And grand it is too.

A massive structure, like a golden inverted coffin reaching for the sky. At the reception desk in the voluminous lobby (full of bizarrely monstrous art exhibits), they had no record of me but after some words with my sponsor I was billeted to a giant room with spectacular views across the Macau straits. To the left, I could spot the Wynn and the MGM, in front the three bridges to Taipa island, to the right the residential areas of the old Portuguese town.

 The plan was to play Wednesday's session but The Coach decided a trip to Happy Valley racecourse was opportune that evening, so we all elected to play on Thursday's instead which turned out to be a mixed decision because although the racing was a write-off, Day 1c gathered the most entrants (about 150 of a total of 342 entrants).

I got what seemed a quiet table. On other tables the Aussie commentator was continually commentating on a series of unlikely all-in scenarios with various horrible holdings cracking aces and kings. Eventually, at about level 3, the madness spread to our table. A local player and a Malaysian got all their chips in on a flop of 2-5-10; one held 58 the other K5. The Malaysian had complained earlier of a lack of sleep. Perhaps that it explained his crack up. Suitably emboldened our hero with K5 began to bully the table, annoyingly attacking my blinds with regularity. I re-raised him once with A2 but the bugger immediately re-raised me all-in. I thought it was a bit early to make a stand. Nevertheless various other solid players cracked up in the next few levels and I survived as predicted to Day 2, with a miserable stack of 13000.

Day 2, and I was seated immediately to the right of none other than the esteemed Withnail. Doh! Better not fock up, impossible to gild the lily if I got busted. Fortunately on the very first hand I picked up my best hand of the whole tournament. (JJ was the best I picked up on the first day). The big Aussie in first position moved all-in with QQ and my KK held up. This still left me way off the pace, such was the miserable stack I had nurtured from Day 1. Sometime later, one of the locals pushed a tiny stack all-in, I re-raised with A10. But Withnail re-raised and I was forced to pass. His AK took down the pot. From that point I won one more coin toss. Eventually I found 99 on the button, another Aussie (the same geezer that knocked out Withnail a few hands earlier) decided to call me with 2 'overs' and I was eliminated at 78 or 79th position. Some way off the money unfortunately.

So it was now time to funk for the Coach. After I watched him crack AA and 77 with his KQ I was confident he would go deep. In fact he made the final. However he had the smallest stack and my funking powers were unavailing as he finished ninth, still an excellent result as he never developed a big stack on the last 3 or 4 tables. And not a bad result for Withnail’s poker school (Although I failed to break the Guest’s Curse). On balance a trip to be recommended in future.

A few negs. The town seemed expensive compared to Vegas, the side action was good but the rakes very heavy especially in the smaller games, 2-4, 3-6 games attracted a rake of 5% capped at the equivalent of £15 pounds, the larger games better value with a cap of £20. A small walk to the Wynn to find the only legal Omaha table in the territory. At 10-20 it was too big for my pocket so most of my down time was spent in the bars and clubs and ridiculously expensive restaurants. The Coach generously bought me two decent cigars and Withnail paid for various crazy cab journeys around the two main islands on our only real sight-seeing effort. My only coup was finding an entertaining late night watering hole and disco populated with many ladies of dubious morals. However Withnail and I sat quietly in the corner watching the Champions League final live at 3am. A rare bonus as the casino insisted on featuring rowing and show jumping on their sports screens!

Many thanks to Withnail (and the Coach) for the massive steaks and indeed the massive stake.

Lawrence Robjent