“I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot?”

The Masterclassics of Poker is my favourite tournament after the World Series of Poker. I’ve made my annual November pilgrimage to the Holland Casino in Amsterdam since 2002. I would’ve gone in 2001 but the nasty terrorists changed my plans.

I well remember my first effort. I was sat next to the infamous Tony G:

(http://pokerdb.thehendonmob.com/player.php?a=r&n=267)

He was quickly installed as Arsehole no.1 in my all time list. If he was in the pot (which was most of them) he criticized everyone else’s play whether he won or not. If you lost a pot to him you got a full run down on how badly you played each street and if you carried on like that you would be destitute before you knew it. If you won the pot he would yell and scream like a three year old (of course I now know what that really means!). He threw his cards at the dealer as well as verbally abusing him. By the time the next hand was dealt it was all forgotten (at least by him). He was ready to turn his abuse to the next customer with total objectivity and clear-headedness. I haven’t come across him much since but he is now one of the most feared and respected tournament professionals world-wide. By all accounts he still has the emotional responses of a child.

He knocked me out that year and I got the FULL rubdown. I had re-raised one of his over-frequent pre-flop raises with AQ and flopped an Ace. He check raised me all in and made two pairs on the river. Marvellous. It turns out that I played the whole thing all wrong. Thanks Mr G.

Since then I’ve fared better in the MCOP making the money three times including two final tables (2nd in 2004 and 3rd in 2007). The Coach has also done well with three final tables and a 4th in 2006.

Such previous form had us all feeling uber-confident ahead of the off on an unseasonably sunny Tuesday in Amsterdam. Over a pre-tournament game of pool with The Coach and my Guest Andy Ward we discussed strategy. It was one of those dodgy tables in the back of a dark and smoky coffee shop where the roll seems to change every time you play a shot. A few other groups were sitting around smoking the hugest spliffs I’ve ever seen whilst not saying much to each other, just nodding and raising the odd eyebrow. Spandau Ballet’s Gold was blasting out of the oversized music system. The Coach was sprawled across the table stretching to cue for his shot into the near corner pocket. It was game ball… then a surreal moment. As the music built up to the climax in the song where the Frères Kemp blurt out “GOLD!”, The Coach leapt in the air, cue/mike aloft à la Freddie Mercury and yelled “GOLD!”. You had to be there really.

Day 1 went like a dream for me. I had a fairly innocuous first table and steadily accumulated. I sat next to the talkative Peter Roche, a likeable Irishman with mad undertones. I used to know him ten years ago when I was playing regularly in the Aviation Club de France in Paris where he was a regular in the cash games. He reminded me of one the best poker stories. It involved some friends of mine, too much drink and a MASSIVE pot in the big Paris cash game. But I’ll leave that for another time! Also at my table was Juha Helppi, the super cool and normally super aggressive Finn. But he was very quiet.

When I moved tables I had already doubled up to 25,000 without getting involved in any big hands. My new table was very friendly. On my left was a crazy Dutchman who, although apparently lacking tournament experience, had amassed plenty of chips. He kept getting lucky and raking in huge pots. On his left was….no-one. A stack with no owner. A no show. I don’t think I’ve EVER played with a no show before. On the ownerless stack’s immediate left was Rolf Slotboom, a “celebrity” Dutch player who’s written books and been on TV but I’m not sure he’s ever won anything. He might be the Dutch “Roy Brindley!”. I’ve played with him before and as a result know two things about him. First, he’s the tightest player in the universe. And second, he was excruciatingly slow. He makes out he has AQ every hand and is making a great fold to an early raiser. Dull, dull, dull!

Nevertheless, despite playing about three hands an hour, I continued to accumulate chips without taking too many risks. At the end of Level 6 (around 1.30am) we “bagged up” and I headed for some much needed shuteye with 43,000 chips for Day 2. The crazy Dutchman was one of the overnight chipleaders as, unusually, was Withnail Sr with over 50k. The Coach reported in that he had 25,000 but unfortunately Andy was out fairly early…f****** donkament!

Withnail